Dear Stevie

I am 25 and there is this guy who is 34 who works at the college I go to. I fancy him like mad. I went away to Bristol on a college course with him. I think he might fancy me but he told me he had never had a girlfriend before. I really fancy this guy what should I do?

Emma from Wolverhampton

He's gay, Emma. Move on.  Stevie X

This fella I like acts like he likes me one day, then doesn't the next. He will be distant to me around his girlfriend and nice to me when she is not around. Then he will act distant to me and she is not even there! It seems like it depends on what mood he is in. I am so sick of this guessing game. He knows I care about him and he shows he is interested in me. His body language, etc. I just don't know what the heck he is trying to tell me or whether he really is interested in me OR NOT!! I am so confused. Him and his girlfriend have an open relationship where each one can do whatever they please.

Lisa (45) from Coventry

Are you sure you're 45, Lisa? Frankly, I've known 14-year-old chavs with more sense than you appear to possess. Have you tried unzipping his pants, whipping out his cock and wrapping your lips around it? No, silly question. That would require imagination and initiative; qualities you clearly don't possess...  Stevie X

Dear Stevie,

Well i was so close 2 going out wiv this boy but he said he said mayb coz i got my m8s 2 ask him but he said no 2 them but he came up 2 me and he said if i asked him he wud say yeh this was over the phone so i went 2 him the next day 2 find i was 2 l8 2 ask him this happened sumer 2004 i still like him is there any point in waiting 4 him 2 finish with his other gf i really like him.

Kate (from Netherton)

No point at all, Kate. Let me try to translate the incomprehensible gibberish that passes for communication among you and your 'm8s' into passable English:
'I failed miserably to date this boy, because, like the dim-witted, gutless chav I am I got my friends to ask him out on my behalf and he refused. Later, he telephoned me to say that if I got up the bottle to ask him out myself he might consider my request. So I approached him the next day but he said I was too late. This happened nearly two years ago when I was 13. In the interim he has found a girlfriend and I have become even dimmer. Is there any point in waiting for him to ask me out on the off chance that he might dump his girlfriend for me?'

No, none. Frankly, your only chance of scoring is to put on your prettiest belly-button ring, squeeze into a risible pelmet that barely covers your arse and hang around the bike sheds. If you're lucky the boy may just ask you out. If you're really lucky, a gang of your fellow chavs may rip your thong off you, spread your thighs as wide as the vacuum between your ears, and shag some sense into you before it's too late.  Stevie. X

I am a 48 year old guitarist and play in a "reasonably" successful band with three other guys.  Here's my problem:  The other three guys ALWAYS seem to get laid after a gig - in fact, one of them boasts as to having 96 blow jobs from 96 different women in one year alone!!!  It's really pissing me off...  I have tried everything, but the closest I got was selling a CD once to a punter who said I looked a bit like Francis Rossi from Status Quo... Any help would be appreciated.

No name supplied 

Fuck off, Slob! 

OK, I'm lesbian and about a month ago my vagina started seriously irritating me, itching, and being quite sore, and now its caught onto my gf. I want to tell some one but I'm too scared. I just wanna know if u cud take a guess at wat might be going on? (please dont be nasty).

Charlotte

The only nasty thing here is your girlfriend's dirty mouth, Charlotte. You might try swopping her germ-infested fingers for a squeaky clean cock. Sperm is sterile you know, unlike your girlfriend's filthy tongue.  Stevie X

I've known this bus driver for about 5 years and my husband knows him but what my husband doesn't know is that I am having an affair with this man. We had sex only once but it was really good. I love my husband very much I have been with him for 10 years and married for 4 years. I need your help what should I do about this driver?

Sandra from Birmingham

Perhaps the best solution would be to divorce your hubby and marry the bus driver and have an affair with your ex on the side. No, hang on, that would be the same as the situation you're in now. Oh, fuck it, just carry on as you are; the 52% of married women who cheat on their husbands can't all be wrong, can they?  Stevie X

I have been really concerned lately. My boyfriend has been going to bed early and I have walked in the room and caught him masturbating. When I walk in he stops, I get into bed and he turns away from me. If I walk out of the room and then go back in I catch him doing it again and then he quickly stops. Should I be concerned that he would rather play with himself than with me? I think sometimes that he could be thinking of someone else while he is doing this and I worry that he doesn't find me attractive. Is this normal for a guy who is in a relationship? I mean he gets himself so worked up that he does not want to finish the job with me? What could be the problem?

Fiona (Stafford) aged 19

The naïvity of you young girls never ceases to amaze me. The problem isn't that he doesn't want you to finish the job, it's his way of telling you that you should have started it in the first place! Is he thinking of someone else when he's pounding away at his little dick? Is the Pope Catholic? He's thinking of the hot little teenage porn star whose movies he has filed away under 'boring work stuff' on his laptop. Look, sweetheart; let me tell you something about men your mother clearly didn't. They're all selfish bastards who don't care where they put their dicks, so long as it's inside the mouth of a filthy slut who never says no. The only way you're going to stop him wanking over that teenage porn is to suck his little weenie until it bleeds. In short, he's not getting enough.  Stevie X

I have a rather weird problem. I cannot bath, I have a fear of water and ain't washed my hair, body or anything for 15 years. No one likes me but I don't know why, please help me no girl likes me they look at me and run away. The only person who talks to me is my next door neighbour who is about 90 and wants her way with me. She's blind and has a false leg so there's no chance of her getting her leg over me. Please help.

Gareth (Port Talbot in Wales)

Are you completely clueless? If she's 90 the chances are she's never given anyone a blow job. As she's unlikely to have any teeth either, forget the leg and just sit on her face. If you're lucky she'll have given you a massive orgasm before she realises you're not meals on wheels.  Stevie.